i hate everything i hate everything i hate everything i hate everything.
i seriously just want to die. why can't i die.
fuck fuck fuck fuck
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

have you ever hated yourself and all the life choices you've made so much that you don't know what to do with yourself? i mean sure you can harp on the old, "i want to kill myself" line, but that just gets you nowhere once you've already come to the decision that you're to scared to go through with it. i'm stuck in that rut, the one i find myself in more often than i would like but this time i don't know how well i'll be able to get out of it, or how quickly. all the other times i've been able to rely on my friends, but now i find myself in a situation where i don't have any good close friends, just a lot of people i know. none that i could turn to for help. and it sucks. i don't know why i've done the things i've done but they've resulted horribly for me. i know what i need is a fresh start, but it's so hard to just reinvent yourself. and it seems with me that whenever i get to the perfect space, when things can't be going better, i'll just do something or get greedy or think i'm top shit (when really i'm not) and just throw it all away.
i don't want to ask anyone's forgiveness anymore because this is not the first time i've had to. i know i'll just keep doin whatever it is that i'm doing wrong and end up in this shit hole space again. i think this time i need a change of scenery, i gotta get to a place where no one has met me and can have any idea about what kind of person i am.
but even when i get to the place where no one can judge, i'll still be facing the whole...so what the fuck am i doing with my life... situation. i have no idea where i wanna go or who i wanna be or what i want to accomplish. i always thought that i could get by just cruising but i'm not so sure anymore. i feel like i need a plan or i'll be stuck at the bottom end of society forever. things don't just fall into your lap you've got to work for them. i've realized that all along but it still doesn't help me with choosing a path. i feel l ike i'm at my wits end, and that i can't really fit in anywhere. i want to have something i can be master of, i want greatness in a particular field but don't know which one!! it's driving me crazy and putting me in this depressive state.
i think the first step for me is to finish this damn traineeship and hi-tail it out of cibo. it's like...keeping me in the same spot and i don't know how much longer i can stay there. i'm starting to dislike the people i work with and finding every day intolerable. the sooner i'm out of there i think and hope the happier i'll be.
i also want to get my rsa soon so that my employment opportunities will be increased. i know i don't want to go to uni, but everyone keeps telling me it's the way to go. i just don't know. what would i do? and i really can't afford to waste time at uni because the fees are so high! i just can't afford it.
i also feel like i want to break up with jimmy. i feel like we're just going round in circles. it feels like we're just in it for the sex and it's not as good as it used to be anyway. i don't get that rush, i don't enjoy it sometimes, and all the shit we went through i feel like i can't forgive him. i mean i'm over it, but there's still a part in me that wont forgive him and my mind brings me back to that point every now and then, like i can't forget about it. i suppose it's because it really has affected how any future relationships i have may pan out. it's like he's put his mark on me and it will never go away. i hate it. i don't know if i want to be his. he needs to take more care of his appearance, and get a job (i know he's trying really hard but yeah...i dunno, i just hate saying to people that my boyfriend is unemployed)
argh, i wonder if i just think too much about what other people think. i mean we're pretty happy most of the time, i wonder if it's just because of people like paul who have a bad opinion of me for going out with jimmy that i start to stray from him. and if that's the case i'm low. very low. but i don't know what it is, i've just come to that crossroads (again) where i don't know if there's a solid future for us or not. and i guess i'm still young, i don't know why i'm so keen to settle down.
i suppose it's because i need to feel loved, like, i hate just one night stands and being a slut. i hate that. i like to have someone i can count on and i suppose he is good for that. he's always there when i need him.
i think i just want to break free from everything and everyone for a while so i can have some time to really  think everything over and discover what i want with life, but i don't know when i'm going to get that. i hate it!!!

well that's that out of my head

Date:	2006-03-13 17:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	enthralled
Music:	No music...sound of HACK

I got the job at the Kodak shop!!!
weeee

and I made Elise skull a bowl of powdered parmesan cheese!! What a fabulous acheivment
I wish I could make this longer so I'll just ramble on for a bit. Yesterday I had a very productive day. I got home from Sheryl's house and I gave fudge a bath, then took her for a walk while I got the paper, and then I did the washing up, and then I vacuumed the floor, then I did my maths investigation (typed it up), then i umm...well it felt productive ok!! nobody comments on my lj anymore. Well mum's home, so even though I would love to make this longer...I must leave

LEAVE!!!

Date:	2006-03-03 17:36
Subject:	Freezing??? I think so
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	Black Books Theme Song

So...I was just sitting there, casually...minding my own business, when the phone rings!!
I answer it of course, not knowing what to expect, and it turns out to be someone from the kodak shop! I don't remember her name but I'm sure that doesn't matter...*cough*
She wants me to come in for an interview on Tuesday at 3.30 and I'm OOBER excited. I don't know what to bring! What to say! Rose says I should dress nice...I HAVE NO NICE CLOTHES! I think I should be ok going in my uniform shouldn't I?
So I'm having roast lamb for dinner and I'm really excited about that too coz it's all cold and it will be all warm and delicious. On the tv, this guy is cooking...and the other guy goes, "So what kind of filth is spewing out of your hatch tonight."
It was hilarious!
But now I just got a call from my grandad...he's at my great grand dad's house and they said they had to take him to hospital last night!!
Such mixed emotions goin on. I don't know how serious it is... coz you know you'd would think hospital is really serious and horrible, but he sounded almost cheery on the phone. So puzzling!
So hopefull everything will turn out just fine!
I also might be seeing Riley later on tonight, HOW EXCITING!!! I love doing things.

Hurrah!

Date:	2006-01-27 15:24
Subject:	Green Eggs and Ham
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored and coughy
Music:	I Wanna Hear What You've Got To Say by The Subways

Well...what a day it's been
I've been so bored today it's just not funny. I've been desperately trying to fill my day, and failing miserbaly, leaving a very sad Jazmine...*sobs*
I think the highlight of today might be that my good friend Ruth called today. I tried to keep talking to her for a while, I told her my situation of being stuck at home and being bored, but she only really wanted to speak to the home owner, so I had to let her leave.
Well a lot of my teachers have changed from last year. Only ones that are the same are Miss Colvin and Mr Papa. I really don't think I'll be able to change from drama, I mean I'm going to try, but you know I've left it a bit late and all. But fingers crossed ey? I'm pretty happy with my new teachers, pretty much all of them are improvements from last year, except of course for maths, but that's not too bad I guess. I'll just have to try that bit harder. At least I've still got good ol Alex to keep me in line. And additions to the english clan! Welcome elise and chloe! Much fun will be had let me tell you! It's the greatest...
Yeah so it's pretty good to be back at school. I really like having a routine sort of thing, or I feel weird. Tee Hee, except the thing is, I really feel like I haven't seen any one in so long. I mean I didn't catch up with anyone on the holidays coz you all hate me, and I barely got speak to anyone at school. So please!! Take me out, franz ferdinand style.

Oh before I forget, I just want to tell EVERYONE that I worked 100 hours over 2 weeks, oober fantastic or what?

Date:	2005-12-12 17:12
Subject:	WOW!
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	Brandy by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

WOW I'M SO EXCITED GUYS!!!
Today is the best day of my life...and also the worst.
Well I went into work today and we did our secret santa (you missed out sheryl ha ha ha) and I got Rose!!! can you believe it! So I have to get her ANOTHER present. And she guessed that I got her stragith away. Coz she told me who she got and I said I didn't want to tell her who I got and she's like...you got me didn't you. I was like...noooo *rolls eyes* lol...such a horrible liar. But anyway, it was fun.
And damn you sheryl, I had to go up and work with linda! Lol nah it was actually really good, I got her talking about things that I was interested in so ner to you. And that was only for like two hours anyway. But yes.
Also, when I got home...I had a little clue in the mail from my cluedo friend! It was so excited I nearly died. I was like look mum look mum...jumping up and down...she didn't really care but I was OVER THE MOON! I reckon I know who it is...
And last but not least...SURVIVOR IS ON TONIGHT! It's bad (hence the worst) because it's the last episode, but the last one is always the most exciting because it's just FILLED with suspence. I'm SURE that lydia will be voted out first, so the final three will be rafe danni steph...hmm...i really don't know though because I am usually wrong. But if lydia gets into the final two she will win for sure so they better get her out! Because she has been the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!

So yes...I'm just so excited I think I might die.
Oh I nearly forgot! Riley invited me to dinner tomorrow, which is great! lol after all my bitching and everything. I hope none of you told him *looks suspicious* but yes joyous times. And I'm very excited about saturday! I hope lots of people can come, it will be so awesome. If you can trust sheryl's cooking that is (at least she'll have supervision)

So I must go now...pretty myself up for survivor. WEEEEEEE

Date:	2005-12-09 20:51
Subject:	Nice Ice
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore (my footsy)
Music:	Terror! by the Rakes

Mango and Passionfruit Sorbet

Serves 8
1 cup white sugar
3 large mangoes, peeled, chopped
1 eggwhite
4 large passionfruit, halved

1. Combine sugar and 1 cup water in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until syrup comes to the boil. Remove from heat. Set aside to cool for 30 minutes
2. Blend or process mango until smooth (you should have 3 cups of mango puree). Stir into sugar syrup. Pour into a shallow, 1.5 litre airtight container. Cover and freeze for 3 hours, or until partially set.
3. Using an electric mixer, beat eggwhite until soft peaks form. Transfer mango mixture to a food processor. Process until smooth (not melted). Transfer to a large bowl. Fold through eggwhite and passionfruit pulp. Spoon mixture back into container. Cover and freeze overnight. Spoon sorbet into bowls or glasses. Serve immediately

Date:	2005-12-06 20:50
Subject:	Sheryl's on drugs...
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Not if You Were the Last Junkie on Earth by the Dandy Warhol

well guys, i have some astonishing news.
our so called innocent "friend" sheryl o'donnell has been taking drugs, and i'm not liking it one bit. she didn't even share! at work, she was all halucinating like and not able to do stuff coz she couldn't see properly. stupid junkie

well it's either that or she's skitzo...either or


ps it's by the dandy warhols...but the s wouldn't fit *curses limits*

Date:	2005-12-04 12:45
Subject:	HAPPY BIRTHDAY RILEY!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Here Comes Your Man by the Pixies

Well, if it isn't December the 4th 2005. What a momentous day this shall be. Why you ask? Because it is RILEY'S birthday of course! I went shopping to get him a present yesterday, and it took hours! It was so hard to decide on something, i was just like...CURSE YOU! I ended up getting him the little britain dvd's, but i feel bad coz it doesn't seem like I put a lot of thought into it. *sobs*
Oh well hopefully he likes them still. I'm going to the movies with him today, should be gooood. I saw harry potter with sheryl yesterday. It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. They missed out a lot of information from the book though, which is kind of annoying coz I hate it when they do that, but other than that it was good. The effects were great, and there was this one part where they drew little dragons out of a bag and they were so cute! I was just like awwww *wipes tear*
We saw it on the imax screen so woot to that!
Tomorrow is jangy's thing. Hope I still have money for that! Lol, I always go through my pays so quickly. Next time though, it's gonna be a huge one, so that'll be good. It'll go quick as well though because I've got some expensive things to get for christmas.
Oh! They didn't increase my pay at work and I was so cut! I was like, getting all excited about what my pay was gonna be, but I didn't get much at all! It was supposed to go up at least a dollar an hour from last year but it didnt, mum's trying to sort it out though, coz I don't think sheryl's did either.
Anyway, I best be off, I'm a bit tired. Oh sheryl, when I got home from the city yesterday it was like 6.30, just in time for one tree hill lol, so I watched that and went to sleep. I slept the whole night! Only woke up this morning and I was all confused about why I was still in my clothes. I was so tired.

And jangy!!! Why didn't you come! *sobs* you hate me don't you.

BOOOOHOOOOOOO

Oh by the way we bought a new christmas tree today! It's not like a proper tree, it's just a little ornament thing but I love it so much. It looks very tim burton.

Date:	2005-11-18 17:11
Subject:	Relief
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Cows With Guns by Dana Lyons

I so glad...so so glad
drama is finally over and...i am gald
i wasn't all that nervous when i was doing it which was a surprise, but i did screw a lot of it up. I forgot my link every single time! I was about to go to the next scene and then i was like...oh wait, then go back and do it.
Some people had some really great ones! I really liked Elise's I knew hers would be good though. I also liked Monique's...the part with the mask was so cool.
And savin the best till last. Shezza you da bomb! Your's was the most entertaining by far...and that's what drama's all about!
I should have stayed to watch Matts but you know...peer pressure and all.

I only have science to go, and I'm kind of eager about it. Maybe coz it's the last one. But yes, it's quite exciting! Better do some study for it on the weekend I guess.
So ta ta my loooovlies

Date:	2005-11-17 22:03
Subject:	Ya huh
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous and pessimistic
Music:	The Outsider by A Perfect Circle

Well...I'm just bimming around on the internet...because I don't want to go to bed.
Because if I go to bed, then tomorrow will come quicker, and I don't want it to because I have drama and I really don't want to do it. Like really don't. Like, more than I've ever not wanted to do something. I practise it, and I feel like the biggest tool. I've had to cut out a lot of my thing coz it went for like 9 minutes. I bet on the day it will only go for like 4 minutes and he'll be like it's too short...and I will cry.
I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!!

Date:	2005-11-16 14:01
Subject:	More BDO!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Karma Police by Radiohead

Well...how funny that just yesterday I put a picture of sarah blasko on here...because just today I heard the second announcement for the bdo lineup...and so in addition to all the acts I had previously mentioned there will be...
Shihad
Wolfmother
Hilltop Hoods
Sarah Blasko
Cog
Sonicanimation
The Presets
And heaps of others, which I either don't like or don't see myself seeing.
Oh the excitment.
This time I will definately no be bringing a bag, that was stupid.
But...where am I gonna put the shirts that I buy? Will I have to wear them?
Oh well...I'll just have to remember to wear pants with many pockets.

SOOO EXCITED!

Date:	2005-11-15 20:59
Subject:	So Bored
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	Augustus Gloop by Danny Elfman - from Willy Wonka

I found the most beautiful photo of Sarah Blasko...and I decided to post it for you to see!! What a nice lj friend I am.

Isn't she prettiful!

Date:	2005-11-10 15:55
Subject:	Frank says BAAAH
Security:	Public
Mood:	productive
Music:	Juicebox by The Strokes

Well...I'm a little weirded out at the mo...

I was walking to the bus stop to go home, and this guy from Kedron, in year 12 I think, rode past on his bike, he was looking at me weird, but I didn't take much note of him. Then I was waiting at the stop, and he rode up to me (meaning he would have had to turn around) and started like chatting me up! He was from another country, I don't know where...and he was saying stuff like "oh waiting for the bus are you? (no you weirdo I'm waiting for an alien to abduct me...) where do you live, oh I might have to go there and catch you around some time..."

WEIRD!!!

Had my last multi lesson with Ms Robertson today...it's kind of strange, I sort of like her, even though I complained about her all the time. She was a funny one. Good ol' times. Today Alec and Mikayla were taking like a million photos of her on their phones...and they were so funny! She was doing all these poses for them as well...funny

well...I better do some stooody now.

Ta ta

Date:	2005-11-08 16:56
Subject:	Weirdoes
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bodyjar

Date:	2005-11-07 20:36
Subject:	Paranoia, jealousy, selfishness
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable
Music:	Love Song by the Cure

Well...today was a peculiar one.
I was at school, and I was sporting a rather noticeable hickey. Everyone noticed it and was laughing at me and it was just the most embarrassing thing ever. Alexandra just couldn't stop laughing, and I know everyone was looking at me, thinking I was either a slut or a try hard. I was hoping it wouldn't be such a big deal, but it really was, well for me. I also realized that the subjects I had would only be doing revision which I could do at home, so I went home, and had quite a productive day. I did a lot of science revision, a bit of drama...LOADS of maths. So I don't really feel guilty about staying home because I know I would have just wasted my time at school, especially in English.
But I know everyone in the group is probably starting to think that I'm the hugest bludger because I take more days off, and I feel so awkward sometimes, because I do things that people in the group wouldn't really think of doing. I feel like I'm becoming distant with most of the people in the group.
And Sheryl and Alec texted me today saying that I did well on the science assignment. I was glad, because I really did put a lot of time into the essay, not sure about the report though. But then I hear stupid little fuck tart Amie Donaldson saying that she thinks I cheated...I didn't mind very much when I first heard, but now I'm getting really pissed off. She didn't get as good a mark, big deal. People accusing me of cheating, is the worst thing for me because I take it so personally!! It's like I don't have any time to be proud of the work THAT I DID BY MYSELF!!! because I have people like her saying that it's not my own work! I can't really describe how it makes me feel, coz in writing it just sounds stupid, but I'm really cut by it.
Alec sort of does that to me as well in maths. He says that my grandad helps me with everything and that he's suspicious of my marks. Is it so hard to believe that I study before an exam?? I haven't even gotten any help from my grandad AT ALL this year.
Drama started off going kind of well, but ever since I spoke to Mr Papa, I just feel stuck and confused. I mean I had an idea, and he told me why it was wrong and it made sense too...but I just feel like I can't use any of the ideas I originally had now, because it wont fit in with what the right thing is. I really want to do well in this one because I haven't done that great in the other assessments and it's summative. I get so jealous when I see that other people get higher marks, well not all the time. When I know it's better then I don't, but there are some people who do things, that I think are really crap and they get good marks, then I get jealous.
Well, I've complained enough...no comment required

Well I attended the "Walter Family Gathering" last night and it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. I mean it was still bad, as in the sense I was nervous out of my mind, but he has a really nice family so that made it better I guess. And, Riley has 3 sisters, none of which are his full sisters! He apparently has 2 step-sisters and one half-sister. He's...the only child of his parents together. I was shocked by this, I just assumed they were all one big happy family, not that they're not, but you know what I mean.
So yeah that was ok, and umm, I had to do my history speech today. It was pretty shit, my voice was shaking and I just really feel like I didn't do very well. At the beginning of the speech Mr Buckley goes "now come on every body listen up, it's jazzy's turn." Then he goes "What do your friends call you?" I was like "usually loser, but I don't know if that's what you mean". He obviously misheard me and was like "Lulu?" so I just said "No I don't have a nick name" and he's like. "Oh no! Class, jazmine doesn't have a nick name! We should think of one for her. Don't you think that's a good idea Tania (he always says random things to Tania) Tania can you think of a nick name for Jazmine?" She said "Jimmy-Jaz" and Mr Buckley goes "Oh Jazmine! You should do it in a rap! I'll give you an A if you do it in a rap." Then he started trying to rap himself and it was pretty funny. I've gotten over the hate I had toward him after the last assignment.

umm...just so you all know, I'm having buritos for dinner ok? I'm glad we got this straight.

Date:	2005-10-30 13:41
Subject:	Nervous
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous

Guys...I'm so NERVOUS!!!ARGGGGGHHHH!!!

Today I have to go to this thing with Riley, it's his cousin's 18th birthday. And...his whole family...will BE THERE! And I have to meet them all. Why me!
I don't like meeting new people full stop, let alone a whole family who will be JUDGING me. What am I going to do...what am I going to wear? This is so stupid I hate that he invited me to this...he knows I'm shy as. But you know, it was bound to happen sooner or later I guess.
Lets just hope everyone gets drunk and forgets me

Date:	2005-10-28 15:54
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off and upset
Music:	Lighthouse by the Waifs

this is the worst day ever.
i lost my FUCKEN usb which had my entire history assignment on it, and yes you guessed it, i didn't save it on my computer. good work jazmine. ants keep crawling out from my keyboard. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! What the hell am i meant to do, start the whole fucked up assignment again?!
FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Date:	2005-10-26 21:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lazy
Music:	Diamond Sea by Sonic Youth

Lisa was almost certainly dead. Our assailant now turned his attention to me. My attempt at a flying kick, although clumsy, hound a vulnerable spot. The blood splatter made rivulets down the nearest wall and this distraction, although short-lived, gave me the opportunity to escape.

With the speed of a thousand gazeles, I jumped out the window, which unfortunately for me was three storeys high. I clambered up from the cold, moist ground UNSCATHED and began to fly. Soaring through the air, the sense of freedom that was surging through my body (particularly my penis) was quickly shot to pieces when I realized that the assailant was not human, he was in fact a ghost! He flew after me with the speed of a thousand and one gazeles, all the while throwing pointy rocks at me. "Ow!" I exclaimed, "That hit me! Hard, hurty rock. Doesn't look hurty; hurty a lot!" I was furious at this heinous act, killing Lisa was one thing, but this was something else all together. I decided that it was finally time, to...UNLEASH THE POWER, OF THE PRIMAL WORRIOR!!!I turned in my tracks to face the villain who had bruised me so, but jarred my finger in the process. "You're an on purpose jarrer!" I accused scathingly. "I thought I knew you, but you've changed. You've gone weird." The assailant was confused by my words, acting as though I  was random or something. Having bedazzled my oponent (as planned of course) I quickly drew out my secret weapon...my mobile phone. I handed it to my enemy who immediately started texting all his friends, saying things like "wots up" and "mumz coming 4 tea". He texted so much that he developed R.S.I in his fingers, and plummeted to the ground. I followed his trail of petrified screams and curses to the ground and started to kick him in the balls repeatedly. He was crumpled up in a heap, his body quite disfigured from the fall. I went to walk away from him, but tripped on a piece of cloth. What was it that I had fallen on? I noticed that the cloth was lying on top of the ghost/assailant. I pulled it off to reveal...DOCTOR JACOBY!! He wasn't a ghost at all, just a crazy doctor from twin peaks with a sheet on his head. How embarrassing for me. "And I would have gotten away with it to, if it wasn't for you meddling kids" he grumbled as he was taken away by the mermaid police. And with that, scooby and I walked off into the sunset, never to be seen again...untill the next day</font>